On The Edge
by Itachis-Only
Summary: Lovino has been alone for years, trapped in his younger brother's shadow, and he's finally reached the end of his rope. He can't handle the loneliness any longer. So, he does what anyone as lonely as him would do; he turns to suicide. Only, before he can do it, he gets caught, and gains a one way ticket to a handsome therapist. Yaoi. Spamano. GerIta. Rated T for language!
1. Prologue

**((Hey guys! I'm back! I know, I know...this isn't what you guys want I'm sure...for those of you still waiting for the next update of Drunken Mistake, it's coming! I promise! It's in the works, probably about half done! As for the others...well...um..they're...they'll come...I was just thinking about things and this randomly popped into my head, and you know how much I love Angst...I had to write it down. This is the prologue, and chapter one will be in 3rd person point of view instead of 1st. Chapter one is probably half finished, and if my inspiration keeps up pace, it'll be out soon as well. So...read on, and enjoy!))**

"Hola, Lovino. It's very nice to meet you, although it would be nicer under better circumstances si? My name is Doctor Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. If you'd like to go ahead and lay on the lounge, feel free. I have pillows if you like. Now, would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself?"

How the hell did I end up here? In this stupid office, laying on this stupid lounge, staring at this stupid Spaniard and his stupid fake smile...it's stupid. My brother over reacted. I never would have been able to do it. Had he not burst into the room, I probably would have stopped anyway and went over all my options for the millionth time, then gotten frustrated and given up.

They wouldn't listen to me, the bastards! They insisted I was ill, and that I needed help. You're damn right I needed help! Help prying my stupid brother off of me that is! Help shutting that damn German up!

This is stupid. The bastard is just sitting there in his fancy clothes, with his legs crossed, a fancy silver clipboard in one hand, a fancy black pen in the other...just smiling at me. Not talking, just waiting. And _smiling_.

I don't want to be here. I want to go home. But they won't let me. Ludwig, the bastard, and Feliciano dragged me here. They said that until I get better, they're going to make me come at least three times a week. Feliciano took another job to help pay for the sessions. Ludwig borrowed money from his brother, who they had to call to help wrestle me into the car this morning.

I'm perfectly fine! I don't need to see damn therapist because I was a little depressed...

...A little? Oh who am I kidding. I'm very depressed, all right? So sue me! Everyone contemplates suicide at some point, don't they? I mean, they at least think about it. About what it might be like, what might make then want to kill themselves...how they would do it if they had to...some people just...decide to go through with it.

But not me! Like I said, I never would have been able to pull the trigger!

God dammit! That stupid therapist...

"Will you quit fucking staring at me you bastard? It's creepy as hell!"

The man chuckles...he just chuckles at me! Who the hell chuckles at a man who just called them creepy?

"There's no need for that Lovino. I understand that you're upset, but you don't need to yell at me. I'm simply here to help. Would you like for me to start by example then? Fair enough. Hm...where shall I start? Well, you already know my name. I graduated from Yale with a major in psychology. Top of my class, would you believe it? I've wanted to be in a profession like this since I was little. Always had a knack for helping people."

This idiot is actually one of Gilbert's, Ludwig's brother, best friends. He was highly recommended by the idiot. I've never met him before today, but he's very unimpressive. That handsome smile, tan skin, bright green eyes...nothing remotely interesting.

The idiot just keeps chattering on for one minute, two.

"There, now you know more about me! So, tell me about you!"

"You don't need to know about me."

"No need to be so stubborn. Come on! What are some things you like to do? Eat? Places to go? Things you've always wanted to do? Come on now. I want to know!"

"No you don't. It's your job to know, but you're not interested. Nobody really is. Why don't you go talk to Feliciano? He's much more interesting. Everyone else thinks so."

He nods and scribbles something on his clip board.

Dammit. Not three minutes in and I've said too much already.

"I sense a bit of bitterness there, Lovino."

"Damn right you do. I'm just a bitter asshole, that's what everyone else thinks."

"Do they really?"

"Um, yeah. I've only heard it every damn day of my life." I snap angrily. Why am I telling him anything? He just seems so easy to talk to, even if I am only griping...

"Surely you must be exaggerating." There's a smile in the damn bastards eyes.

"Not at all, bastard." Ok, so maybe I was a little bit.

He scribbled something down before looking back up at me, smiling.

"Please, Lovino, tell me _something_ about yourself! What are your friends like?"

I stilled, a frown marring my features. Friends...I wish I had at least one...I'd be happy even if I only had one friend...

"I...I don't..." I stammer, feeling heat rise to my face. He sits there quietly, obviously documenting my expressions, patiently waiting for me to continue.

Finally, I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut. "I don't have any friends." I waited for him to say something rude, like 'of course you don't!' or, 'I'm not surprised in the least.' But He didn't. He didn't say anything like that. Instead, he frowned, looking genuinely sorry.

"Oh my, now that's tragic. Everyone should have friends! I think, Lovino, that you are a very sweet person, it just takes awhile for people to notice...so it's really a shame that you feel you have no friends." Then, the bastard smiled.

"I'll be your friend, if you like Lovino! I know it might not be professional, being friends with patients, but we won't let that get in the way. I'd love to be your friend!"

I looked up, startled. For a second, I thought he was joking. Pulling my leg. Making fun of me. Maybe he was just saying that to make me feel better. But then I looked into those kind, beautiful green eyes, and I knew.

He was being completely honest. For the first time in my life, I had a friend. Suddenly, I wanted to tell him everything.

In less than 10 minutes, this damn friendly Spaniard had cracked the stone shell locked around my heart.

Don't tell anyone I said this, but I almost started crying right then and there.


	2. Chapter 1

**((Here's chapter one! I didn't have alot of time to edit, but I might go back through later and see if anything needs to be fixed...not much else to say except enjoy!))**

Lovino sighed as he stared down at the metal object in his hand. He'd been mulling this over in his mind for weeks, and weeks, trying to decide exactly how he wanted to do it. He thought about rope, but that would take too long. He thought about cliffs, but he doubted he'd be able to jump. He thought about bleach, but that would hurt to much. This, however, would be fast. Fast, painless, he wouldn't even know what hit him. In the end, he decided this would be best.

He had snuck into Ludwig's room and stolen the pistol from the drawer of his nightstand. The man was an idiot for leaving such a thing in such an easily accessible place.

He thought, at the time, that it was a good idea. He wanted to do it today. He just wanted it all to end. But for some reason, every time he lifted the gun to his head, he couldn't pull the trigger.

/What if Feli finds me with my brains splattered across the wall? That would be awful! Then someone would have to clean it up...I don't want to put him through that!/ He thought, again, about hanging himself.

/That one wouldn't be much better...he comes in to tell me dinner is ready and I'm hanging from the ceiling, dead, unseeing eyes staring into him? I'd ruin him for life.../

This brought him, again, to bleach.

/It would eat me up from the inside...slowly...painfully...I would be screaming in agony and I don't want to die that way.../

Then to cliffs.

/I'd never be able to jump. What what if the cliff I chose wasn't tall enough, and I managed to jump, but I hit, and it hurt, and I lived? Or I lay there in agony until I bleed to death? And what if I'm never found?/

Maybe drowning?

/No...I'd never be able to force myself to stay under.../

He sighed, squeezing the gun in his hand angrily.

"Dammit! Why does suicide have to be so damned complicated?" He hissed quietly.

/Suicide...how did it even come to this?/

Even as he asked it, he knew exactly why.

It was all because of Feliciano. It was his stupid brother's fault, yet at the same time, Feli hadn't done anything.

No. It wasn't his brother. It was his grandfather. His grandfather, his friends, his first love. And his second love, and his third...everyone he'd ever met who had liked Feliciano more.

But, in the end, it all boiled down to his brother anyway.

Still, it didn't seem fair to blame the boy. It's not like he asked all those people to ignore Lovino, and say awful things to him.

_"Oh my, isn't Feliciano just amazing? Why can't you do that Lovino? Maybe you should ask Feli to teach you!"_

"I'm sorry Lovino. I really am. But Feli is so sweet, and let's face it. You're an asshole. Don't worry though. Someday, I'm sure you'll find someone who can put up with it."

"Oh...um...I'm sorry but we really just wanted to spend time with Feli.."

"It's no wonder you don't have any friends! Get lost already!"

Lovino let out a shuddering breath as the painful memories flooded through him. But even more painful than those, were the memories of his Grandfather; coddling Feliciano, loving Feliciano, spending time with Feliciano, buying gifts for Feliciano...and hardly noticing Lovino.

_"Feli! My sweet, sweet boy! I brought you something! I saw this in town today and I thought of you!"_

"Such talent Feli! Where on earth did you learn to do that? Lovi! Aren't you so proud of him?"

"Would you mind cleaning up the dishes Lovino? Feli asked me to play some futbol."

Cast aside by the man who had raised them. The man who was supposed to love both of them equally, but made it quite clear who the favored one was.

The man who disappeared years ago and had enough heart to tell Feliciano goodbye, but didn't bother with Lovino.

"I can do everything Feliciano can do...some things I do better..but nobody notices..." He said softly, sadly, to himself.

Yes. He wanted to die. It had to end right now. He couldn't take the pain flooding through him every time he saw his brother, every time someone praised his brother, every time someone loved his brother, and hated him.

Like Ludwig. Now, Lovino wasn't in love with the damn German or anything. He didn't even particularly like the big idiot with bad taste in food. But the worst part of it all was, that he was living in the same house as Feliciano and Lovino, flaunting how much he loved Feli. Silently shoving in his face the fact that Feliciano was loved in a completely different way, and that Lovino was still hated and alone.

He hated watching them kissing and holding each other. He hated hearing their words of love, and their passionate cries in the night when they thought nobody could hear them.

It was depressing to think that his little brother had lost his virginity before Lovino had.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Lovino was older. Feliciano was supposed to be in _his_ shadow, not the other way around! Feli was supposed to follow him around like a puppy dog, gasp in awe at the cool things he could do, _beg_ Lovino to teach him, proclaim that he wanted to be _just _like his awesome big brother! But he never did.

And yet, despite all this, Lovino still couldn't bring himself to hate Feliciano. In fact, he loved his brother very, very much. He wanted to be a good big brother, and protect Feliciano the best he could. He knew it wasn't Feli's fault that everyone liked him.

Which is why he couldn't bring himself to blow his brains out all over the wall. He couldn't bring himself to burn such awful images into Feliciano's mind.

/Maybe I should kill myself somewhere else, so someone else finds me, and by the time Feli sees me, I'll be cleaned up, and he'll never have to see my brains?/

It was a good idea, but what if he was never found? What if some animal came and dragged him away and ate him or something?

No. Besides. He wanted to die right here, in his home, laying in his bed.

Why couldn't he just fall asleep and never wake up?

Maybe he should overdose on sleeping pills?

But...what if that was painful too?

Surely there was an easy, painless, clean way to kill yourself?

But there wasn't, and Lovino knew that. The only way he would ever get peace would be to end it right here, right now, by himself.

/You just have to stop being a pussy Lovino, and pull the trigger. With any luck, Ludwig will find me./

And so, he lifted the pistol, squeezed his eyes shut, pulled the lever back, and began to slowly press the trigger...

_BAM!_

"Fratello~! It's time for-"

Lovino jumped sky high, his eyes popping open with shock and horror. Feliciano's own horrified face stared back at him. After a moment of awkward silence, Feliciano burst into tears and ran forward, enveloping his brother in a hug.

/God dammit! I forgot to lock the fucking door!/ Lovino hissed inwardly.

"Fratello! What are you doing? P-please-" Feliciano sobbed on and on, begging Lovino not to do Italian just sat there in the same position, eyes wide, mouth dropped open, and gun raised to his temple, almost stupefied as Feliciano hugged him.

/What if I had pulled the trigger right when Feliciano walked in? What if he'd seen it? That was too close.../

"What the hell is going on?" Ludwig shouted angrily, bursting through the door moments later. He took one look at Lovino and his eyes widened with horror, face paling.

"M-mein gott..." It was all he could say.

He moved forward quickly and snatched the pistol from Lovino's fingers, releasing the latch and stuffing the pistol into his belt.

"Lovino...I don't even..." His brow was furrowed, hand on his forehead, desperately trying to think of something to say. What do you say to a person who most likely almost killed himself?

"Shut up...don't say anything..." Lovino said quietly, desperately, praying that Ludwig wouldn't scold him. Feliciano was still clinging to him, crying, begging.

And then, not even aware of how he got there, Lovino realized that he was sitting at the kitchen table, Ludwig sitting across from him, staring at him sternly with his arms crossed, and Feliciano sitting next to him, gripping his hand.

There was silence, and staring, until Feliciano finally spoke.

"Why, Lovino? Why...why did you have Luddy's gun? Why were you...I-I don't understand..." He sniffled.

"...you don't need to know, Feliciano. It's none of your business. Just forget it."

"Excuse me? None of our business? You just tried to kill yourself with my gun in the house that we all live in! I think that makes it our business!"

"Just drop it, dammit!" Lovino growled. "Don't push me!"

"Lovino...we love you! And...and we don't want to loose you..."

"Cut the crap, Feliciano, we all know that you would be just fine without me! You would go on with your perfect little lives and hardly notice I was gone, so just leave me alone!" But he didn't want to be left alone. He desperately wanted to not be alone, for once.

"Lovino, that's not true!" Feliciano gasped, tears spilling out of his eyes. "Don't say things like that!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ludwig shouted.

"Me? What's wrong with me? How about what the hell is wrong with you? You live in MY house, use MY facilities, fuck MY brother, then yell at me after catching me trying to kill myself? Yeah, like that wants to make me live! Shut up! Just shut up and get the hell out! Get out!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Lovino. In case you've forgotten, I pay the majority of the bills. I take care of your sorry ass."

"Luddy, Lovino, please..stop.." Feliciano pleaded.

"You need help Lovino. I'm not going to risk that happening again."

"Like hell I do!"

"My brother knows a great therapist. They were friends in high school. I'm calling him. You'll go every week."

"Like hell I will!"

"You don't have a choice in the matter."

"LIKE HELL I DON'T!"

In the end, Lovino learned he really didn't. He was watched very carefully for the remainder of the evening. Ludwig removed his door and Feliciano insisted on sleeping with him that night. Lovino was furious. Beyond pissed. So pissed, that Ludwig will have to buy a new door for he and Feliciano's room, because Lovino attacked it with an axe.

The next day, Ludwig had to call Gilbert to wrestle Lovino into the car. He sat in the back seat, sandwiched between Gilbert and Feliciano as Ludwig drove.

When they finally arrived about a half hour later, Lovino fought them tooth and nail, but Ludwig and Gilbert had no problem dragging him into the building, checking him in, and forcing him into the room, where he was sitting now, staring at a rather attractive Spaniard with a friendly smile, listening to him prattle on. So many thoughts were running through his mind.

/Damn bastard! What the hell is his deal? This is so fucking stupid! I'm fine dammit!"

"There, now you know more about me! So, tell me about you!"

Lovino was silent for a moment as he stared at the man, Antonio.

"You don't need to know about me."

"No need to be so stubborn. Come on! What are some things you like to do? Eat? Places to go? Things you've always wanted to do? Come on now. I want to know!"

The Italian scowled, crossing his arms over his chest huffily and glaring up at the ceiling.

"No you don't. It's your job to know, but you're not interested. Nobody really is. Why don't you go talk to Feliciano? He's much more interesting. Everyone else thinks so."

He glanced back over at Antonio as he heard the man scribbling something on the clipboard, watching with distaste. Finally, Antonio looked back up and Lovino quickly turned away.

"I sense a bit of bitterness there, Lovino."

"Damn right you do. I'm just a bitter asshole, that's what everyone else thinks."

"Do they really?"

"Um, yeah. I've only heard it every damn day of my life." Lovino snapped, his fingernails digging angrily into his arms.

/Why am I even telling him anything?/

"Surely you must be exaggerating." Antonio smiled, humor in his eyes.

"Not at all, bastard." The humor faded ever so slightly and he turned back to his clipboard, quickly scribbling something else down. He looked back up seconds later, a pleading smile on his lips that tugged at Lovino.

"Please, Lovino, tell me _something_ about yourself! What are your friends like?"

And then, the entire conversation changed. Lovino froze up, his breath catching in his throat. This was the reason he was here. The reason he didn't want to live anymore.

"I...I don't..." Lovino stammered, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He doesn't want to tell Antonio. He doesn't want the man to know anything, and yet he can't seem to stop himself.

"I don't have any friends." He said quietly, sadly. All is silent for awhile. Lovino looks up, almost afraid, shocked to see that Antonio seems quite distraught over the matter.

"Oh my, now that's tragic. Everyone should have friends! I think, Lovino, that you are a very sweet person, you just don't know how to show it, so it just takes awhile for people to notice...so it's really a shame that you feel you have no friends." Then, he smiled. He'd never admit it, but the smile warmed Lovino to his very core. He was shocked.

/A sweet person?/ He wanted to laugh, but at the same time, he felt as if the Spaniard knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I'll be your friend, if you like Lovino! I know it might not be professional, being friends with patients, but we won't let that get in the way. I'd love to be your friend!"

The Italian swore he was about to pass out. /He'd love to...he's lying./

But he looked up and stared into Antonio smiling eyes, and knew that the man was being completely honest.

There was a stunned silence, Antonio smiling at Lovino and Lovino staring back.

"Y-you..w-what?"

"I want to be your friend! I like you, Lovino!"

/He...likes me...there's no way..people don't like me...they don't.../

"W-we can't...friends..friends know about each other...and we're strangers..."

"Well now, that's an easy problem to fix isn't it? So go on! Tell me about yourself so we can be friends!"

With a nod, Lovino did, without a second thought. He just started talking. The entire appointment was spent with Lovino telling Antonio about his life. Things that happened, good things with Feliciano, some fights, he even talked about his Grandfather, about how much he missed him. Antonio laughed at the funny stories, nearly cried at the sad ones, and best of all, he just..listened. He listened, and he accepted Lovino. He didn't tell him he was stupid, or annoying, or that he was an asshole. He didn't make fun of him, or stare off into space looking as if he wished the conversation was over. He sat, and he listened, genuinely listened.

Lovino was almost sad when it was time to leave.

"You'll be coming back again in two days, si? I can't wait to talk to you again, Lovino! It's been a pleasure!" Lovino was silent as he walked out to the car, those words echoing in his head. He didn't complain when Feliciano clung to him, or when Gilbert sat a little too close for him. He didn't complain about Ludwig's choice of music, or his terrifyingly fast driving. He just sat silently between Gilbert and Feliciano, silent, content, and for the first time in his life...

He felt truly happy.

**((Thanks for reading, and please, please, PLEASE review! I really love hearing your opinions and feedback! Thanks again! ^-^))**


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